


Cry

by chooken



Category: Westlife
Genre: Anger, Apologies, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kinicky, Lies, M/M, Misery, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Songfic, Suspicions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3627471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chooken/pseuds/chooken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kian wouldn’t have minded so much if Nicky had minded just a little bit more.</p>
<p>Songfic based on "Cry" by Faith Hill</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cry

Kian wouldn’t have minded so much if Nicky had minded just a little bit more.

It was ridiculous, really, pinning all that emotion on someone else’s, but fucking hell, his life was a misery. It really was. Ever since Nicky had shrugged indifferently, picked up his suitcase, and switched rooms.

Kian had cried. Cried and cried and cried and cried until his voice was raw and his eyes were itchy and red and it had felt like no more tears could come but they had _anyway_ because Nicky was gone and Nicky didn’t love him and god he hurt so fucking much but Nicky didn’t hurt at _all_ …

_If I had just one tear running down your cheek  
_ _Maybe I could cope, maybe I could get some sleep_

But he couldn’t. He lay awake into the cold, dark empty night, his heart pouring out through his own eyes. And meanwhile there was Nicky, looking so completely unruffled and perfect. Clean and smiling while Kian trudged in, hauling his tired, sad body into the room, trying not to let anyone see the way his eyes were always bloodshot, but not caring enough to brush his own hair or teeth.

And, slowly, as the weeks wore on, he began to hate Nicky. Despise him, even though he loved him so much it felt like his ex-lover was pulling out his insides and stringing them on barbed wire for his tired sad eyes to look at, even then. He hated Nicky for everything he was. Everything he wasn’t. Everything that Kian belonged to and couldn’t be apart from, a part of. And everything that didn’t feel a single fucking thing for Kian.

_If I had just one moment at your expense  
_ _Maybe all my misery would be well spent_

And one day, when Nicky walked – no, strutted! - into the room, Kian couldn’t hold it back anymore. He couldn’t help it. It bubbled inside him as Nicky walked into the recording booth. He could see everyone looking. Everyone looking at him. Except for Shane. No, Shane stared at Nicky, the way he had begun to even more lately, and Kian saw it. Saw them rolling and playing, fucking and laughing, plotting. Plotting for Nicky to move into Shane’s room, to stick Mark with sadsack old Kian who Nicky had never really loved, not really, not in a million years. He knew it now. If Nicky had ever loved him, he would be crying. Would be miserable. But he wasn’t. He was singing and smiling as Shane’s eyes caressed him.

Kian pressed a button. The music stopped. Nicky looked up.

“What?”

“Sorry, Nicky, but do you have something in your throat.?” Blue eyes looked back in confusion, so very empty of tears. “Cos if you stop retching, maybe you can start singing.” Nicky’s eyes opened wide, and Kian watched a pink blush build in his cheeks. He didn’t cry, no, that would be ridiculous.

But Kian felt a little bit better.

_Could you cry a little? Die just a little?  
_ _Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain?_

But in his cold, lonely hotel room, Mark asleep in the next bed, he cried again.

Nicky had recovered quickly, had laughed the nasty remark off. So had Kian, when he’d caught the others looking at him in askance, a moment short of glaring or yelling or something. But Kian had seen it in Nicky’s eyes for a second. The pain. He’d hurt him. And it felt better.

But the look in Nicky’s eyes… the pain there. Kian couldn’t help but remember it before, when they had been together, when he had loved Nicky and Nicky had been waiting for something better to come along. Pain that he had kissed away, hugged away, loved away. The way his heart had always clenched with Nicky’s tears.

“I just… don’t think I love you anymore, Kian. I’m sorry.”

He choked out another sob, his heart hardening.

_I gave, now I’m wanting something in return  
_ _So cry just a little for me_

It was fucking indecent, really. Nicky couldn’t show a little fucking respect? Hell, Kian had been his fucking pillow for three years! His teddy bear! His fucking tissue box! All fucking material things that could be tossed out when they got old and ragged and you didn’t want them anymore. But Nicky couldn’t even fucking _pretend?_ How must it look to the other lads? Pathetic Kian, unable to get over someone who had only used him anyway. He must look like a complete moron.

He’d given everything he had, and it had been soaked up. Nicky the fucking sponge. Now all he had was these tears, because Nicky hadn’t taken those. Hadn’t shown a single sign of having one in his entire body. Not a sob. Not a sniffle. Not a whimper. Just smiles and indifference and fucking attitude.

_If your heart could be caged, honey I would hold the key  
_ _And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me_

“Oh come off it Nicky. You’re such a fucking moron.”

“You wanna wait until you’ve got something intelligent to say?”

“Shut up.”

“Get fucked, Byrne.”

“No thanks, I’d rather sit alone in my room with a razor blade.”

“Ha!”

“Go talk to Shane. You two can share your last brain cells.”

He watched Nicky’s bottom lip, wanting to see if it would wobble. Watched his eyes for a sign of moisture. Watched and watched those beautiful delicate features, wanting to see them swell with pain.

“Do you have to be so horrible?”

Kian shook Mark’s hand off his shoulder.

“Do you have to be such a fucking arsehole?”

“Kian, come on and talk to me. This isn’t you! You’re acting like…”

“How would you know what I’m like?” He cast a glance at Nicky, who was with Shane as usual, their heads together like conjoined twins. “You don’t fucking know.”

_And you’d hunt, but those lies  
_ _They’d be all you’d ever find_

Another hand landed on his shoulder as he went down the hall, his footsteps heavy and loud even on the carpet. He barely looked back. He knew who it was. He hated himself for knowing that presence so well.

“Ki, please…”

“What?”

“I know this is hard for you, but…”

“You don’t know anything.” Kian looked up, searching for tears. “I’ve just realised how fucking sick I am of you. Your bullshit. I don’t know why I stuck with you so long, lied to you so long. Fuck… I should have just told you and been done with it.”

“Told me what?”

“Oh, come off it, Nicky.” Kian rolled his eyes. “You never noticed that my dick tasted like an arse that wasn’t yours?”

Colour spilled into Nicky’s cheeks, and for a moment Kian was sure he’d see a handprint in that red, livid mark. He felt like he’d pulled back, slapped Nicky with all the strength he could muster.

_That’d be all you’d have to know  
_ _For me to be fine_

But no.

Nicky just nodded.

“I guess I never cared enough to bother checking,” he whispered. Then he turned back down the hall. “Talk to you later Kian.”

Kian smiled, the lie stinging at his lips.

No, he’d never cheated. But now he wished he had.

_Can you cry a little? Die just a little?  
_ _And baby I would feel just a little less pain_

“Hey Mark.”

Mark looked up. Looked down again. Dropped his keys on the counter. “Kian.”

Mark sat down on the bed, lay down, turned away.

“Night.”

“Night, Mark.”

Kian lay down on his own bed, turned away and stared at his own wall, feeling Mark’s back to him. It was late now. He’d been wondering when Mark would come in; come back from Nicky’s room. They’d been in there late, while Kian had sat alone in his room, watching TV.

He wondered if Nicky had cried, then shook his head. No, they’d probably sat in there, laughing it up. Laughing at Kian. Maybe not even thinking of Kian… watching TV or something. Yeah, that’s what they’d done. Had a few drinks, watched some TV. Laughed together. And Mark had smiled as Shane had touched Nicky’s shoulder, as Nicky had crawled in between Shane’s legs and rested there, looking for all the world like a perfect couple.

He remembered the flush in Nicky’s cheeks and his frown dissipated.

_I gave, now I’m wanting something in return  
_ _So cry just a little for me_

Shane and Nicky? A good couple, probably.

Shane and Kian? Better.

Following Shane around was easy, they were always in such close quarters anyway, but he made it his mission to make them even closer. If Shane moved, Kian did too. If Shane went somewhere, Kian did. If Shane sang or spoke or moved or breathed, Kian watched in awe, always looking at Nicky out of the corner of his eye. And the bemused look on Shane face was worth it for the one on Nicky’s. The confused, wide-eyed look. Hurt.

Kian put his hand on Shane’s shoulder and sat down next to him on the couch, sitting much closer than was necessary. Nicky watched.

“Shane? Can… can you come over here for a second?”

Shane nodded, like the happy little puppy-dog he was, and went over to his fucking… whore. Nicky gave him a look that said something deep and meaningful that Kian couldn’t read. Shane gave him one right back. Neither of them looked round at Kian.

_Give it up, baby, I hear you’re doing fine  
_ _Nothing’s gonna save me, I see it in your eyes_

It was fucking hopeless, wasn’t it? Kian sobbed, lying alone on his bed like he’d taken to doing so often lately. Everyone else was in the other room, doing whatever they usually did when he wasn’t there. Nicky… not hurting, not crying… just getting on with his life as usual. Not sparing a single thought for him.

Nothing was going to work. There was no hurt he could inflict that would find its home in Nicky’s heart. Nicky was impenetrable, and that hurt more than anything. The person who had so easily wormed his way into Kian’s heart couldn’t even feel a splinter of Kian’s presence. Nicky was unbreakable… and Kian was shattered.

He stood up. Maybe it was time to stop this. To get on with life. He’d ignore Nicky if he had too, but he couldn’t feel like this any longer – be the one to shoulder this burden. It was killing him.

_Some kind of heartache, darling, give it a try_

But as he moved closer to Nicky’s room, he could hear crying.

“I’m really sorry Nicky.” Shane. So Nicky cried for Shane?

“I just… I didn’t want to do it, but…” Nicky sobbed. “I… I couldn’t tell him, you know? I couldn’t make him make that decision… it was better this way… those photos… his family’s so important to him and this would have torn them apart. Christ… they don’t even know he’s gay and suddenly they see him sucking my cock on the front page? It would… it would destroy them, him…”

“I don’t think he’s worth it, somehow.” There was barely contained rage in Mark’s voice. “Fucking prick cheating on you! All he’s done is hurt you. Hell, if I see him make you cry one more time, I’m going to remove his head. I can barely stand to sleep in the same room as him.” There was unconstrained rage in Mark’s voice. Kian could hear him stomping around, even through the blood rushing through his ears.

_I don’t want pity, I just want what is mine_

“He’s hurt.” Nicky whispered. “I told him I didn’t love him, didn’t I? But it was the best way. I could never stop loving him, not ever.”

As Mark’s stomping got closer to the door, Kian tried to move, but it felt like his feet were rooted to the ground.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“Mark, don’t…”

The door swung open. Mark stared, his eyes wild and angry, fists clenched at his chest. Kian wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at Nicky. Nicky with his red eyes, wet cheeks, hunched form. His hair was unbrushed, his clothes were rumpled. He had been crying… because of Kian.

Kian didn’t feel very good, all of a sudden.

Nicky looked up.

“You’re such a fucking moron.” Kian found himself saying. Nicky flinched back. Kian smiled. “As if a stupid photo means more to me than you do.”

_Yeah, could you cry a little? Lie just a little?  
_ _Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain?_

“As if you can fucking say that! You fucking cheated on me! You’ve barely even looked at me since we broke up! You fucking hate me!” Nicky was almost hysterical by now as he crawled backwards into the corner, both hands over his face. Mark was blocking Kian’s way. Kian pushed him aside.

“I… I didn’t. I never would have. I love you and…” Kian was crying himself now. “I wanted to hurt you because…” He wiped a hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, thought… that you didn’t love me. I didn’t know…”

He glanced at Shane, who had put his arm around Nicky’s shoulder, comforting him like a friend should do. Like he had all along.

“They… they were awful Kian and… and I thought if I paid him off… I didn’t want him to get any more photos, to sell those and… he… he would have… if it was so easy for one person…”

“You were trying to protect me.” Kian rubbed a shaking hand across his snotty nose and wet cheeks.

_I gave, now I’m wanting something in return  
_ _So cry just a little for me_

Kian didn’t know when Mark and Shane left the room, all he knew was Nicky’s arms and face and Nicky’s kisses. They held each other, both giving and receiving comfort, both crying into each other’s shoulders.

“Why would you do that? You fucking… _idiot_.“ Kian laughed to himself, and Nicky laughed too.

“I… I dunno. It all seems so feeble now.” Nicky wiped his eyes on Kian’s shirt. “Your family’s so important to you… I know how hard you fought against telling them… and maybe I was frightened that you’d leave me if… and I couldn’t deal with that.”

“So you thought it was a better idea to leave me? I thought the idea was _not_ to hurt me.”

“I was scared.” Nicky whispered. “It was the only thing I could think of to do.”

“Remind me to give Shane and Mark a good bollocking.”

“It wasn’t their fault. I’d already made up my mind. They were really nice, if that helps.”

_Yeah, cry just a little for me, oh oh_

Kian sobbed out a laugh.

“You’re such an idiot.” He said again, caressing Nicky’s cheek. “But I love you.”

Nicky smiled, his eyes glistening with tears.

_Could you cry a little for me_


End file.
